The story of Magdalena Hernandez

I always talk a lot about my mom during Breast Cancer awareness month. I guess, for me, they go hand in hand. You already know I lost my mother to breast cancer. You already know I am a huge advocate for breast cancer awareness. Today, i'm going to tell you why.

In 1977, we lived in a not so good part of Tucson. My sister, had 'hooked up' with the neighbor boy, Ricky. They had their typical young teenager relationship which meant...nothing. I mean, she was too young to date, my dad was strict, end of story. My dad did like Ricky a lot, and they spent a lot of time working on the car together, and talking in the back yard. Very nice.

There came a point where it all went haywire. I'm not even sure why. In fact, as I sit here racking my brains, I have no idea. But all of a sudden, the neighbors hated us, and in that neighborhood, it was a bad scene. Our house was under constant barrage. Eggs being thrown, rocks, obscenities. I used to ride the bus home from high school, across town, and I got home after dark. I would pray the whole way from the bus stop to the house, asking God to just let me get home with incident. It was awful. No way to live.

Finally, one day, Ricky and my dad almost got into a fist fit. Again, awful. Something that was said/done over the fence, and ended in Ricky, the little punk that he was telling my dad to "F off". Yeah, uh huh. My dad was not the type to take that laying down, and I remember that little punk jumping the fence with a 2 x 4 and going after my dad. It was one of the scariest moments in my life. Ick.

It was decided, right then and there, that we were going to move.

The hunt for a new home ensued. Where to go? It seems we had lived all over, but continually HAD to move for some reason or another. So my dad decided to move to the East Side. It took awhile to find. A long while to get it all together and organized, paid for and done. But finally, it happened. We moved.

No longer did we have to worry about being assaulted or be afraid to be out in our yard at night. Life was good.

BUT, my mom went to the doctor. My mom had a breast lump. My mom had to go into the hospital to have a biopsy. My mom had a radical mastectomy. Just like that.

I remember waiting for the doctor to come out. Dr. Hirsch. He said the lump was malignant and needed permission to remove the whole breast. In those days, it was radical. The scar was from the breastbone all the way to midpoint under the arm. All the muscle was removed. I remember the pained look on my dad's face. I remember my sister crying. I remember just not being able to grasp the whole situation.

When my mom woke up she was very groggy. Not feeling well from the anesthesia. She had the hugest bandage wrapped around her chest. She had a drainage tube sticking out of her incision removing the fluid that built up under her incision, in her chest wall. She was black and blue already. I will never forget when her 'roommate' asked if her breast was removed, and my mom looked at me and said, "I don't know, was it?" I wanted to die! I did not want to have to tell my mom, this woman, this person that she had been maimed in surgery. She had come out not quite whole. A part of her had let her down, had failed her. She had breast cancer. I was 19, I didn't want this responsibility. I DIDN'T WANT IT! I didn't want my mom who I loved with every ounce of my being to have cancer. I didn't want her to have to start chemo and radiation. I didn't want to hear that she had cancer in her lymph nodes! I didn't even know what that meant. I didn't know what advanced breast cancer would mean for my mother...for all of us. I looked past my mom at her roomie, willing her to mind her own business. She did. She closed the curtain that separated us. She went on about her recovery as I stayed on the side with my mom. With the cancer. With the uncertainty.

Through the days and weeks to come, I learned a lot about breast cancer. I learned that my mom's advanced cancer was due to lack of awareness. Yes, she had found the lump in her breast. Yes, she worried about it, wondered what it was. Yes, deep down she knew that there was the possibility it could be bad. Maybe she should get it checked, she thought. Maybe tomorrow. But first, she had to find a home for us, she had to pack, she had to unpack, she had to make sure everyone else was alright, before she could take the chance of finding out it was something bad.

How do I know this? She told me. She knew it was something bad when our stupid dog, Barney, the black lab, wrapped his chain around the tree and my mom struggled to get him free. She got dizzy. She lost all her strength. She almost passed out. Something wasn't right...something was wrong. But, we had to move.

So, my mom underwent radiation. For weeks. It drained her. Then she started chemo. She lost her hair. She was sick all the time. But she fought. She fought with everything she had. But within months, the cancer came back. Her gallbladder was removed. It was in her hips. It was in her liver. It was everywhere. Finally, when it hit her brain, Dr. Hirsch said those dreaded words, "There's nothing more we can do."

My brother came to my job and said, "You need to come home". I was like, yeah ok, I'm working. What's going on? Although I knew! I so knew. He started crying. "Mom's dying". That's all he said. That's all he needed to say. I went home. I stayed there with her. Waiting. I talked with her. I asked her to hold on. What was I going to do without a mother? I was 19! But soon, she wasn't coherent anymore. She really wasn't my mom. The cancer had taken over. Then we just waited. We waited for my mom to die. To take her last breath. I'll never forget that day...not ever. I'll never forget the look on her face as she struggled to stay with us. Finally, as my dad stroked her hand he said, "It's okay, mama...be with God. We'll be okay." We said our goodbyes, and as the sound of her her breathing stopped, our lives changed forever.

Since then, I have been an advocate for breast cancer awareness. Because awareness is what is needed. Knowing the risk factors and trying to lower them is so important. Being aware of your breasts and how they feel and when to know when something feels different. Running to the doctor, because yes, early detection is SO important. So important.

I've known many women with breast cancer in my field. 29 year olds...and people in their 70's. i encouraged them and held their hand when they were scared. I cried with them. I never let them give up! Attitude, i told them, it's all about attitude. Awareness, strength, determination. It's all about beating the odds.

My worst story. (besides for my mom). A woman came in with some icky stuff on her breast. Dr. H. didn't know what it was, so when you're a surgeon, what do you do...you start cutting. So he's debriding this necrotic tissue, and it just is so gross. It smells like...death. It was so deep in her breast. It was black and nasty and seriously, I wanted to vomit. She just laid there with no expression. He looks at her and says, "How long has this been here?" She replies in the quietest of mouse voices, "Over a year." It was cancer. Cancer that had eaten through to the outside. The outside of her breast.

It's an ugly, ugly disease. When my niece "caps" that's she wants more than awareness, she wants prevention, to prevent it from happening, and I don't know how to tell her that I want that more than almost anything in the world. Before anyone I know and love gets it...before I get it. All I can do though is keep pushing my crap...keep talking to the women I run into everyday, and hope I can make a difference, hope I can talk just one lady into saving her life.

I guess because I couldn't save Mom's. I'm sorry. :'( I miss you, Mom. Everyday of my life.

So yes, eat healthy, don't smoke, exercise, and watch the hormones you put into your body. Feel your breasts and if you're 40, start getting your mammograms. The digital mammography they have now is very low dose radiation, and does not cause breast cancer. It's better than not knowing. Not knowing is the worst possible scenario.

At Susan G. Komen last week, I cry for my mom. I cry because she's not there with me in her pink "survivor' gear. She wasn't one of the lucky ones...and when I see those hundreds and hundreds of women fighting for the cure...my heart hurts. One because I want that cure so bad, I want breast cancer stamped out! Two, because it's too late for Magdalena Hernandez.

He's Baaaaaaack!

Garth Brooks that is!  Garth Brooks who I love from the toes on up, is coming out  of retirement! For those of you who don't know every intimate detail of his life, I will bring you up to speed.

In 2001, he decided he would retire to stay home with his three small girls.  He had recently divorced his long time wife, Sandy, (I loved it when he said, 'hi, Sandy' in his videos and such!), but I digress.  Evidently, he strayed from his marriage and this, plus Sandy's insanity, led to the divorce.  He dedicated himself to his children, thus leaving the music industry at the top of his game.  

Now, he's going to play concerts in Las Vegas 15 weeks a year.  Kind of like Celine Dion did it.  He will be flying back and forth from Oklahoma to Las Vegas during this time, as Trisha Yearwood (his current wife) holds down the fort at home.  

This brings me so much joy!  Excitement!  Will he make a new CD?  This would be the best time right?  O-M-Gee!  I just have to get some tickets! Wish me luck!

Touched by an Angel....

    Two weeks from tomorrow, Jacob Scott Todd Koehnke, the little boy with two middle names will start his journey out into the world.  This little boy is my grandson.  My first grandchild.  I am beside myself with....I'm not sure what.

   

     Joy? Definitely.  Excitement?  Sure.  But there's an emotion there that I can't exactly put my finger on....and it makes my face leak!

I was at a new store called "Buy, Buy, Baby".  Cute, huh?  Anyway, it's like Bed Bath and Beyond, filled with baby stuff.  It was pretty awesome.  So many little things.  So many little things with the word, "grandma" in it.  I fell in love with the Christmas bib that said, "Who needs Santa when I have Grandma."  Awwww.  But then, there was this little set...a blue one, that said...."You've stepped right into Grandma's heart"...and it had a red heart and two blue baby feet imprinted on it.  It was sooooo cute!  Plus, it came with the cutest little sneakers.  The sneakers reminded me of the ones that that My Little Buddy (the doll) wore.  Only on the front of the sneaker, on the vinyl part, it said, "I love Grandma".  Awwww...for whatever weird, bizarre reason, I started to cry.  Why?  Why did I start to cry? What emotion is that, that touches me so deep that I cry at the Hallmark moments type things that have to do with being a Grandma?  

     

     I mean, it's a little nerve-racking, to begin with, to have my daughter about to pop with a baby.  First, I had my kids via Cesarean, so I have no idea what's in store for her.  I told my sis the other day that the only one I've witnessed is hers, and well, it scared the crap out of me, and I remember talking to God that day and saying, "Wow, God, you DO know what's best for me!  Thank You for not making me go through THAT!"  LOL.  My sister said, "That wasn't normal."  

     

     So, add scared to that list of emotions.  My baby is having a baby.  So, it's hard for me to imagine sitting out in the lobby, waiting for Chad to come out to tell me that everything is okay.  Not only, with his baby...but with my own.  It's hard for me to imagine being in the delivery room with her, especially since, I never did it myself!  It's like, I don't know where I belong!  

     Lastly, there's the role of Grandma.  I feel Andrea has high expectations for me in this role.  I'm not sure what they are...and I have high expectations for myself.  But...what are they?  LOL.  I know that sounds silly, but well, I don't know!  There are Grandma's that take on too much, that become the mom...and feel they know better than their children as to what is best for their kid.  Yeah, no.  That' won't be me.  I probably do know more, but it was learned, just like they have to learn.   I've paid my dues.  I've raised my children to the best of my ability, I laid all the groundwork that I knew how to lay, and I just pray now, they become the best parents that they know how to be, too.  I want to be...just loved.  I want all those, "I love Grandma!" to be applicable to me!  I want my grandbaby to come running into my arms, yelling, "Grandma!!!" when he sees me.  I want to spoil, and nurture, and comfort and support.  I want to rock, and tease, and bake and laugh.  I want to love.  

    

      Being a parent is all that, I know.  But there's so much more responsibility to it.  It isn't all fun and games.  It's not even always love and nurturing.  That's why I say, I've paid my dues.  Let the fun times roll!

     

     Pam sent me a note today that said, "I'm at my daughter's, visiting my grandchildren.  You are about to understand how great grandkids are and why it is I want to spend every minute I can with them.  I'm so happy for you!"  I'm nervous because, I don't understand that emotion.  I guess, like parenthood, I have to wait to look down upon Jakes sweet little face and think....okay....now I get it.  

You're welcome, Pres...

Sometimes....President Obama writes to me.  I enjoy hearing from him, and it's refreshing to hear his side of the story, as opposed to the brouhaha that is all over the news at the moment.  

Is it weird that the Pres is being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?  Maybe a little.  But really, we don't know what's really behind it...but who are we to judge?  After all, it's not like he awarded it to himself, it was awarded TO HIM!  So why do we have to hate him for everything????    

I say, Congratulations President Obama.  It's an honor, and maybe we can't see exactly why you were awarded it today, but hopefully it will become quite apparent to us in the future.  

Here's what my letter said today.....

Sandy --

This morning, Michelle and I awoke to some surprising and humbling news. At 6 a.m., we received word that I'd been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize -- men and women who've inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace.

But I also know that throughout history the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes.

That is why I've said that I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations and all peoples to confront the common challenges of the 21st century. These challenges won't all be met during my presidency, or even my lifetime. But I know these challenges can be met so long as it's recognized that they will not be met by one person or one nation alone.

This award -- and the call to action that comes with it -- does not belong simply to me or my administration; it belongs to all people around the world who have fought for justice and for peace. And most of all, it belongs to you, the men and women of America, who have dared to hope and have worked so hard to make our world a little better.

So today we humbly recommit to the important work that we've begun together. I'm grateful that you've stood with me thus far, and I'm honored to continue our vital work in the years to come.

Thank you,

President Barack Obama 

I Just have to say it....

Last week, I got a horrible scare.  I don't want to go into details, but I almost lost someone I love.  Someone who means the world to me, and always has.  This person, has always put a smile on my face, and we share so many happy memories.

I wonder if this person knows how important she is to me, and to my family?  I wonder if they know how proud I am of the woman she has turned out to be?  I wonder if the void that might have been left would have ever been filled.  I don't have to wonder....I know the answer is, NO.  

I send many hugs to you, as  you're reading this.  I want you to know, my hugs are only a phone call away, and these arms are always opened to you.  Always.  

I love you.  We all love you.  You need to love you.  Look inside and see the beautiful person that I see, the warm heart, the infectious smile, and the specialness that is you.  

<3

Blogging again

It took me forever to get this blog up and ready for action.  But here I am.  I feel like I have so much to say, and just really don't know where to start.  I guess I'll start with the most exciting....I'm going to be a grandma!  In three weeks!  I feel like I've waited all my life for this moment, even though, really, I have no idea what to expect!

I had two grandmothers growing up.  Grandma Delfina, and Grandma Adela.  That's not really what I called them, they were just plain Grandma.  They were important parts of my life, but not constant ones.  They were people who came to visit, or we visited them.  I hear tales from my cousins who lived by/with them, and it's such a different memory for them.  Something I can't imagine, but totally envy.  I want to be that person for my grandchildren.  A part of their lives, one they will always remember! One who went to their school plays, sports, fun lunches and dates, and everything else that is important to them.  I'm up for the challenge!  

Of course, this is primarily for my grandson, Jake, as Meghann, Tony and Jessic

a live in Connecticut.  We hope and pray everyday that they move here though!  I know Bill would be in heaven if that happened, as would I.  But in the meantime, we will concentrate on Jake and babysit, bake (yes, I said bake) visit and when he gets a little older, make many, many memories with.  I hope the same can be said for Jessica...even from afar!  

There is so much happening in our lives right now.  Bill has been out of work for four months and has started back to work!  This is such a blessing!  It has been a hard road to hoe, in so many different ways, but I think we will finally

 get things back on the right track.  We may have fallen off track a little, but we didn't totally derail, and luckily, by the grace of God, did not crash!  He's loving his job so far, and we can just hope that this is the place for him for a long time to come!  Thanks to all of you for all your support, thoughts and prayers.  We couldn't have done it without you.

I guess that's it for now.  I just want to tell the story of my title, "Life is a roller coaster..."  When Bill and I got engaged, I sent him a card before we got married that asked him if he was ready for his life to change.  Life with me, I said, was a wild roller coaster ride...filled with ups and downs, fast and crazy, always going in all different directions!  I haven't disappointed him!  To this day, almost nine years later, he still will say from time to time, "You really weren't kidding when you said life with you was going to be a roller coaster!"  

No, my dear husband, I really wasn't.  What a ride it is!