Touched by an Angel....

    Two weeks from tomorrow, Jacob Scott Todd Koehnke, the little boy with two middle names will start his journey out into the world.  This little boy is my grandson.  My first grandchild.  I am beside myself with....I'm not sure what.

   

     Joy? Definitely.  Excitement?  Sure.  But there's an emotion there that I can't exactly put my finger on....and it makes my face leak!

I was at a new store called "Buy, Buy, Baby".  Cute, huh?  Anyway, it's like Bed Bath and Beyond, filled with baby stuff.  It was pretty awesome.  So many little things.  So many little things with the word, "grandma" in it.  I fell in love with the Christmas bib that said, "Who needs Santa when I have Grandma."  Awwww.  But then, there was this little set...a blue one, that said...."You've stepped right into Grandma's heart"...and it had a red heart and two blue baby feet imprinted on it.  It was sooooo cute!  Plus, it came with the cutest little sneakers.  The sneakers reminded me of the ones that that My Little Buddy (the doll) wore.  Only on the front of the sneaker, on the vinyl part, it said, "I love Grandma".  Awwww...for whatever weird, bizarre reason, I started to cry.  Why?  Why did I start to cry? What emotion is that, that touches me so deep that I cry at the Hallmark moments type things that have to do with being a Grandma?  

     

     I mean, it's a little nerve-racking, to begin with, to have my daughter about to pop with a baby.  First, I had my kids via Cesarean, so I have no idea what's in store for her.  I told my sis the other day that the only one I've witnessed is hers, and well, it scared the crap out of me, and I remember talking to God that day and saying, "Wow, God, you DO know what's best for me!  Thank You for not making me go through THAT!"  LOL.  My sister said, "That wasn't normal."  

     

     So, add scared to that list of emotions.  My baby is having a baby.  So, it's hard for me to imagine sitting out in the lobby, waiting for Chad to come out to tell me that everything is okay.  Not only, with his baby...but with my own.  It's hard for me to imagine being in the delivery room with her, especially since, I never did it myself!  It's like, I don't know where I belong!  

     Lastly, there's the role of Grandma.  I feel Andrea has high expectations for me in this role.  I'm not sure what they are...and I have high expectations for myself.  But...what are they?  LOL.  I know that sounds silly, but well, I don't know!  There are Grandma's that take on too much, that become the mom...and feel they know better than their children as to what is best for their kid.  Yeah, no.  That' won't be me.  I probably do know more, but it was learned, just like they have to learn.   I've paid my dues.  I've raised my children to the best of my ability, I laid all the groundwork that I knew how to lay, and I just pray now, they become the best parents that they know how to be, too.  I want to be...just loved.  I want all those, "I love Grandma!" to be applicable to me!  I want my grandbaby to come running into my arms, yelling, "Grandma!!!" when he sees me.  I want to spoil, and nurture, and comfort and support.  I want to rock, and tease, and bake and laugh.  I want to love.  

    

      Being a parent is all that, I know.  But there's so much more responsibility to it.  It isn't all fun and games.  It's not even always love and nurturing.  That's why I say, I've paid my dues.  Let the fun times roll!

     

     Pam sent me a note today that said, "I'm at my daughter's, visiting my grandchildren.  You are about to understand how great grandkids are and why it is I want to spend every minute I can with them.  I'm so happy for you!"  I'm nervous because, I don't understand that emotion.  I guess, like parenthood, I have to wait to look down upon Jakes sweet little face and think....okay....now I get it.